Seisou Academy Newspaper
by fortheloveofgodineedanewone
Summary: In which stereotypes are adhered to strictly and potential for Crackfic realised. The protagonists write Personals column for their newspaper.
1. Prologue

**disclaimer :** La Corda D'oro does not belong to me or my friend B with whom I had written this fic 2-3 years back.

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

Len Tsukimori refused everything as icily as he could; to show he was_ not_ interested and please don't beg of his service, thank you very much. But this was an offer, that left Len no choice but to put what he must, in a very heated choice of words.  
>"I am not doing this!" Len said, indignantly. "I am <em>absolutely <em>not doing this!"

"Editor-sama " Yunoki addressed the bespectacled girl with his trademark charm that made one believe he could do well in the world of advertising instead of music. "The offer is very odd. You can't deny that."

"Yes..it is, but the circulation of the newspaper is very low, we want to spice it up" she replied, quite firm for someone who was shorter than them and whom they could easily carry and lock in a broom cupboard. _That _idea was quite tempting right now.

Len Tsukimori, Azuma Yunoki, Ryotaru Tsuchiara, Kazuki Hihara and Keiichi Shimizu were standing in the Office where the Editor of the school newspaper sat before them.  
>"<em>Spice <em>it up? As in putting up a Personals' page? I could understand if you wanted a column on soccer or music from me! But this is asking for impossible!" Ryotaru agreed. He looked like he had been asked to live with Len for the rest of the year.

Kazuki nodded frantically, "I don't know how to solve my own problems, let alone _others_"  
>"And what, in the holy names of God, gave you an idea that the five of us will do a 'He says' column?" Len asked, incredulously.<br>The Editor turned to Keichi who was dozing off already. "_You_ agree with me, don't you?"  
>Keiichi snored.<br>"There!" she grinned in satisfaction. "He agrees."  
>"HE IS SLEEPING!" the rest of them yelled.<p> 


	2. Issue 1

**a/n : ah, the humor of 17 year old B and myself. 3 years later, I actually find it endearing more than amusing [my sense of humor is more developed now, I like to believe, as much affinity to writing angst]. ** like all Dear Abby pages, the anonymity of the person advising is kept, under nicknames of course. But it is easier for the story if we write their real names. Plus, you can make up head canons on how the Editor managed to get them to do the Personals page. Or make a leap of faith. :P

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><p><strong>Issue 1<strong>

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><p><strong>Seisou Academy Newspaper<strong>

_ Page 7...Personals_  
><strong>HE SAYS, HE SAYS, HE SAYS, HE SAYS, HE SAYS<strong>

_There is this girl I like, how do I tell her how I feel?  
><em>_SECRET ADMIRER_

**_Len_** : With your mouth, assuming you have the power of speech.  
><strong><em>Kazuki<em>**: How do I know, buddy? I haven't told the girl I like how I feel yet.  
><strong><em>Keichi<em>**: Learn to play an instrument. Go outside her house and play a ballad. Make sure you don't fall asleep in between your performance.  
><strong><em>Azuma<em>**: Who is this girl you like? Tell me her name, I'll spread rumor that she has a secret admirer. Makes it easier for your confession, ne?  
><strong><em>Ryotaru<em>**: Don't follow the above advices.

_I am in love with the most popular guy in school who doesn't know I exist. How should I let him know I exist?_  
><em>I EXIST<em>

**_Len_**: Simple. Put a cardboard paper round your neck containing the words, "I exist" and walk past him several times. He is bound to notice..  
><strong><em>Kazuki<em>**: Perform a striptease for him. He won't forget you, neither will many others..  
><strong><em>Keichi<em>**: Stand on your desk and dance. Make sure you don't lose balance and fall..  
><strong><em>Azuma<em>**: I'm sure you are talking about me-tell me your name, I'll get to know you exist.  
><strong><em>Ryotaru<em>**: Again, don't follow the above advices. To the guy above me, your narcissism amazes me.

_I confessed my feelings to a guy I liked. He rejected me. What do I do?_  
><em>REJECTED AND DEJECETED<em>  
><strong><em>Len:<em>** Get over it.  
><strong><em>Kazuki<em>**: What do I do about this?  
><strong><em>Keichi<em>**: Sing 'Truly Madly Deeply' from Savage Garden for him. I hope for your sake you sing well.  
><strong><em>Azuma<em>**: I'll make a deal with you. I want to make the girl_ I_ like jealous, so you go out with me and we'll see whether this guy gets jealous. We'll be killing two birds with one stone, ne?  
><strong><em>Ryotaru<em>**: You are absolutely _not_ following the advice of the guy above me.

_My pet cat died and I lost interest in everything around me. Help!_  
><em>CAT LOVER<em>  
><strong><em>Len<em>**: Buy a new cat.  
><strong><em>Kazuki<em>**: My dog had died two years earlier. What I did to get over his death was to sit beside his kennel. What you can do is sit beside your cat's litter box. You'll get over her death fast.  
><strong><em>Keichi<em>**: Get loads of sleep.  
><strong><em>Azuma<em>**:I'll keep you company if you want.  
><strong><em>Ryotaru<em>**: the guy above me is a pervert. You have been warned.

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><p>"Sit beside her litter box? Kazuki, what<em> kind<em> of advice is that?" Azuma asked incredulously as he flipped through the school newspaper.  
>"It is better than Keiichi's advice to Secret Admirer" Kazuki said, bitterly.<br>"Why.. what happened?" Azuma asked, curiously.  
>"The guy did go out and play the guitar for his love in the dead of the night. The neighbors called the police and had him taken away for disturbing public peace" Kazuki said.<br>"Did he get the girl?" Azuma asked.  
>"Actually she slept through most of his performance; she got to know from the police that he was playing music for her in the night. She was very touched until she discovered the stereo in the bushes of her garden" Kazuki said.<br>"Ouch" Azuma said, sympathetically as he folded the newspaper.

"And our Cat Lover has been caught sleeping in the classes. She said that she does it to get over her cat's death. Keiichi 's advice; you see" Ryotaru grinned as he joined the table where Kazuki and Azuma were sitting.  
>"Yeah.. well,<em> Keiichi<em> didn't tell her to sleep in between the classes" Azuma pointed out.  
>"Sleeping in classes are an irresistible temptation" Kazuki stated. "True ,true " Ryotaru nodded solemnly.<p>

"That is not all. Rejected And Dejected sang 'Truly Madly Deeply' in the middle of the class for the guy she liked. She is in detention now" Ryotaru said, trying not to laugh.  
>"Does she sing well?" Kazuki asked, wide-eyed.<br>"She got detention Kazuki, not an award for musical talent. What do _you_ think?" Azuma asked, sarcastically.  
>"Why is everyone following Keiichi's advices?" Kazuki asked, curiously.<br>"Because they are reasonable compared to other advises?" Ryotaru suggested. He paused for a moment and added, "Kazuki, what were you thinking when you put that striptease advice?"  
>"I guess there is a side to young Kazuki we don't know" Azuma grinned evilly.<br>"How do you know the popular guy I EXIST was talking about is you?" Kazuki asked Azuma, deflecting the conversation away from himself for he had turned deep red.

Just then, a girl wearing a cardboard containing letters 'I EXIST' walked past.  
>"That's why "he grinned while Kazuki sat dumbstruck. "Well, too bad she didn't follow your advice and perform striptease, ne?"<br>"Don't say that. I'll get a nosebleed" Kazuki muttered.

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><p>read and review. :) I think the spelling of Ryotarou's name might be a mistake. I am just re uploading the old documents. So do let me know what the actual spelling should be like.<p> 


	3. Issue 2

**a/n** : Thank you to all the people who have reviewed. Second issue up, ahoy! This chapter is written by B, my partner in crime, only with minor edits.

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><p><strong>Issue 2<strong>

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><p>It was clear why their Editor is beaming at them.<br>_They_ didn't have to be told that the same issue of the newspaper had to be reprinted because the issues for the school fell short. The Personals column achieved a popularity they had clearly underestimated. Judging by the increasing ridiculous advices they gave, they were surprised that the students not only read them for amusement, but some of them actually _tried_ them out.

So they, standing in the Editor's office as though they had been called for punishment, needed no explanation for her smile, which looked like the newspaper had reciprocated her feelings.  
>It had to be bad news. For them.<br>"I have a good news!" she said, brightly.  
>"Exactly what we are afraid of" Ryotaro muttered under his breath.<br>"The Personals' column is here to stay! The response is overwhelming! Everyone is sending queries to the He Says column now!" she said excitedly.  
>"Really?" Azuma raised his eyebrow in polite disbelief. <em>The school has crackpots more than I thought.<em>.  
>"We are going to make it a daily column!" she said, breathlessly. "Isn't that great?"<p>

Kazuki swore,waking a dozing Keiichi up, who looked at Kazuki in a blank surprise.  
>The Editor's eyes narrowed on Kazuki. He sweat dropped and looked around for support. "Help me" he mouthed.<br>"Young Kazuki is...er.. very _passionate_ about the column" Azuma came in his defence.  
>"Passionate about the column, my eye" Ryotaro muttered under his breath. Len's lips twitched as though he would have liked to smile at that.<br>She seemed to be satisfied with the explanation and dismissed them.  
>"I love you" Kazuki told Azuma gratefully.<br>"Thats ..er..disturbing to know" Azuma replied, with his trademark smile.

The School cafeteria was buzzing, there were students who had newspaper tucked under their arm for safekeeping as if someone would snatch it from them, while some, like Nami Amou would have it open on their table while they were eating lunch.  
>Nami was going through the new column. "The new column Personals seems very interesting".<br>"And it is very popular..."Kahoko smiled. "I heard many people are actually reading the school newspaper because of the new Personals' page".

"It is true the circulation picked up." Nami grumbled. "Although the Editor is playing it very close to her chest. Even as a staff, I don't know who are the people running the column."  
>"Why don't we send in some questions?" Shouko suggested, waking Nami from her musings. Shouko Fuuyumi seemed apprehensive as she said it, as though she didn't thoroughly like the idea of baring her problem to the school at large even if her identity is withheld.<br>"Yeah, why don't we?" Nami perked up as Kahoko Hino played with her food, wondering about _what_ she considers a problem.

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><p><strong>Seisou Academy Newspaper<strong>

_Page 7...Personals_

**HE SAYS ,HE SAYS, HE SAYS, HE SAYS, HE SAYS  
><strong>  
><em>Why is 2+2 always equal to 4?<em>  
>MATHEMATICSLOVER<p>

**Len**:I don't really care...  
><strong>Kazuki<strong>: Ask your maths teacher..  
><strong>Keiichi<strong>: I'm feeling sleepy now...mind if I answer your question later..  
><strong>Azuma<strong>: Some things are best left unexplained.  
><strong>Ryotaro:<strong> They don't know the answer.

_There is a guy tormenting me at school. I cannot do anything about it because he is popular and I feel that no one is going to believe me._  
>A LADY IN DISTRESS<p>

**Len**: Just enjoy the attention you are getting...  
><strong>Ryotaro<strong>: Don't listen to the advice of the person above me...  
><strong>Keiichi<strong>: Pretend to be asleep if you see him anywhere close by.  
><strong>Kazuki<strong>: Take up martial arts classes.  
><strong>Azuma<strong>: Just tell him that you love him and you wont ever look at another guy.

_How do I get a cold and insensitive brat give me his interview?_  
>JOURNALISM IS ME<p>

**Len**: Just give up...  
><strong>Ryotaro<strong>: I don't know...but yeah...the person you are referring to really is insensitive.  
><strong>Kazuki<strong>: Go on pestering him...someday...he'll get tired and give in.  
><strong>Azuma<strong>: Kidnap and torture him till he gives in.  
><strong>Keiichi<strong>: If you follow the above advice, you'll be thrown in prison.

_I'm too shy around people._  
>ONCE SHY TWICE SHY<p>

**Len**: Don't step out of your house or talk to people...believe me...it is not too hard.  
><strong>Ryotaro<strong>: The person above me is a moron. My advice : join social networking sites on the internet.  
><strong>Kazuki<strong>:I can give you classes on how to be an extrovert.  
><strong>Azuma:<strong> Or how to scare people...  
><strong>Keiichi<strong>: You remind me of someone.

_I am weary and tired of this world. What do I do?_  
>TIRED OF BEING SORRY<p>

**Len**: _**This advice has been censored due to insensitivity and flippancy on subject of suicide**_. [_Editor's note_:We will be killed by Suicide Watch organisation if we had let that be printed!]  
><strong>Azuma<strong>: Come to me...I can make you feel better...  
><strong>Keiichi<strong>: Start living on Mars. have you read the recent report on how life is possible on Mars?  
><strong>Kazuki<strong>: Shave off your hair and become a monk...  
><strong>Ryotaro<strong>: DONT FOLLOW ANY OF THE ADVICES GIVEN ABOVE.

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><p>"Geez, what kind of questions were they?" Ryotaro commented to Kazuki. "I mean, 'why does 2+2 always equal to 4?' We are solving personal problems not mathematics problems!"<br>Kazuki agreed. "I'm not really sure we are actually _solving_ their personal problems."  
>"Good point" Ryotaro admitted. "I am glad our anonymity is kept. We must be already be laughing stocks if they are already handing in ridiculous questions."<br>Kazuki, ever the optimist, shrugged. "Or our school has weirdos."

A thought struck him. "Hey, where has Azuma gone off to?"  
>"Speaking of weirdos?" Ryotaro grinned but immediately sobered up seeing the shocked expression on Kazuki's face, as if Azuma Yunoki being weird has never crossed his mind. "I don't know. Hopefully, he hasn't gone off to shave his hair and become a monk."<br>Kazuki laughed at that.

"Geez...what sort of answers are these...?" Nami looked at the paper in disbelief, sitting in her classroom.  
>"Amou-san...the third and the fourth replies aren't that bad... "Nao said,looking over her shoulder at the page.<br>"I agree..."Nami sighed."It is too bad that only Fuyuumi-chan and I got our questions answered..."  
>"Where is Kaho-chan...?"Nao asked Shouko, who was biting her lip as if she was considering the advice given to her.<br>"I don't know"Shouko replied, startled out of her reverie.

Meanwhile, Kahoko Hino was standing on the rooftops of the school, playing 'Ave Maria' on her violin. She was getting increasingly frustrated with her rendition, with speculation of her great talent which she felt was borne of the magic violin rather than any special quality she possessed herself. She mentally compared her rendition with Len Tsukimori's flawless version, and she knew she fell disturbingly short. The door to the roof opened and Azuma Yunoki walked in. Kahoko lowered her violin and thought of the advices given in the Personals' Page.

"Well, if it isn't little Miss Annoying, it is a _pleasure_ to see you up here" Azuma said, his tone dripping with caustic sarcasm.  
>"Thank you senpai..."Kahoko said, brightly.<br>Azuma raised his eyebrows. "Did you have bowl of _courage_ for breakfast..Kahoko?"  
>"No,senpai...I'm just enjoying the attention senpai is giving me..."Kahoko replied.<p>

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><p>read and review! :)<p> 


	4. Issue 3

** a/n** : This took a while, didn't it? I was busy with end of college and end of semester projects, so lets take this direction-less Crackfic forward!

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><p><strong>Issue 3<strong>

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><p>Azuma Yunoki was stunned.<p>

He couldn't believe this was happening. Kahoko Hino _actually_ said that. That was not all, unfortunately. She also said, "Senpai, I am going to take up martial arts classes."

Normally,he would have snorted at this hilarity but he was trying to recall what exactly she had written to their column. She didn't give him a chance to recover because then, she faked a yawn and tried pretending to sleep.

_She had written to their column and was obediently following their advices._  
>Azuma Yunoki allowed himself a derisive laugh that made Kahoko open her eyes and try to back away from him as if he was some sort of unpredictable animal with mood swings.<p>

He smiled, the brilliant Azuma Yunoki smile that bewitched half the girls in the school. "Sometimes that naivety of yours is cute instead of annoying, I suppose."  
>He walked away, leaving a wide eyed Kahoko behind.<p>

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><p><strong>Seisou Academy Newspaper<strong>

_Page 7..Personals_

**HE SAYS ,HE SAYS,HE SAYS,HE SAYS,HE SAYS **

_I tend to sweat a lot. Thats a huge turn-off to anyone who talks to me. Help!_  
><em>STILL SWEATY <em>

_**Len**_: Don't talk to anyone.  
><em><strong>Ryotarou<strong>_: Dude, have you heard of something called perfume?  
><em><strong>Kazuki<strong>_: Tell them you are into sports and that you have just finished 10 laps of the track field.  
><em><strong>Azuma<strong>_: Take a bubble bath, complete with scented candles. It helps.  
><em><strong>Keiichi<strong>_: Tell them you were sleeping in an incredibly sweltry room.

_I want long silky hair like Azuma can I do to achieve that kind of hair?_  
><em>SILKY HAIR NEEDED<em>

_**Len**_: Ask Azuma Yunoki.  
><em><strong>Ryotarou<strong>_: Read the advice given above. I really hate myself for this.  
><em><strong>Kazuki<strong>_: Eh.. ask him what shampoo he uses..  
><em><strong>Azuma<strong>_: Use egg. It'll help your hair grow right from the roots.I can't believe I wrote this.  
><em><strong>Keiichi<strong>_: I can't believe you wrote this either.

_My girlfriend's dad doesn't like me much. He always sets his dogs on loose whenever I go over to her house!_  
><em>NOT FAN OF DOGS<em>

_**Len:**_ Don't go over there.  
><strong><em>Keiichi<em>**: Bring over some cats to distract the dogs.  
><em><strong>Kazuki<strong>_: Bring them steak..or meat..oh wait, if you do that, they'll run after you more.  
><em><strong>Azuma<strong>_: Try to be nice..like stroke them with a great smile.  
><em><strong>Ryotarou:<strong>_If you want to get a bite with their fangs bared,do follow the above advice.

_ I have got a video of Len Tsukimori wearing girls clothes. How much will I get as a ransom if I blackmail him with it?_  
><em>PRIVATE VIDEO MAKER<em>

_**Len**_: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT TAPE!  
><em><strong>Ryotarou<strong>_:I am willing to pay any amount you ask for that one.  
><em><strong>Keiichi<strong>_:Give it to me..I need something that'll keep me awake.  
><em><strong>Kazuki<strong>_: Eh..you don't have any of my videos ,do you?  
><em><strong>Azuma<strong>_: To the person above,it is me who has your video wearing pigtails and singing,"Baby One More Time."

_I realized that I am pregnant. What do I do?_  
><em>IN DEEP TROUBLE<em>

_**Len**_: How do I know...I have never been pregnant!  
><em><strong>Ryotarou<strong>_:I dont know. To the person above me-you cannot get pregnant.  
><em><strong>Kazuki:<strong>_I had read in the newspaper that once a guy got pregnant.  
><em><strong>Azuma<strong>_:Have the baby and then send it to the child's father as a gift(answer inspired from the movie-Three Men and a Baby)  
><em><strong>Keiichi<strong>_:That is why you must learn to sleep alone.

_How do I get an extraordinarily pale complexion like Len Tsukimori?_  
><em>FAIR AND LOVELY<em>

_**Len**_:Avoid stepping out in the sun,use sunscreen and don't forget to use a night cream.  
><em><strong>Ryotarou<strong>_:I have no idea...but thanks for asking this question.I have realised Len Tsukimori is a vampire.  
><em><strong>Kazuki<strong>_:I dont know,and I have a dark complexion.  
><em><strong>Keiichi<strong>_:Use a fairness cream.  
><em><strong>Azuma<strong>_:Are you a girl or a guy..?

_I'm in love with Len Tsukimori. _  
><em>IN LOVE<em>

_**Len**_:Forget about him.  
><em><strong>Ryotarou:<strong>_I second the person above me.  
><em><strong>Kazuki<strong>_:Even I agree with them.  
><em><strong>Keiichi<strong>_:Me too.  
><em><strong>Azuma<strong>_:He is much in love with his violin...so if you want his love,ask a genie to turn you into a violin.

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><p>It was a day when Azuma saw proof of the how much people follow the <em>He says<em> column, no matter the farce they come up with.  
>Azuma couldn't help listening in when he saw a guy,who is quite rotund say to another tall skeptical one,"Of course,I'll be sweaty,I have just finished 10 laps of Seisou track field."<br>The tall,skeptical one raised an eyebrow."Funny how I didn't think of that" as he scanned the fat guy up and down.

Azuma sighed, a little exasperated, a little amused. He wondered how long the newspaper is going to indulge this madness, and he couldn't wait for it all to be over.  
>He also couldn't overlook the guy grinning uncontrollably with a bandage on his arm. Bandage Boy's friend asked hesitantly,"You went to her house again?"<br>Bandage Boy smiled,"Yeah,and I gave a great smile and stroked the dogs..I guess they didn't like it..and eh..well".  
>He looked at his hand which had the bandage,still smiling uncontrollably.<br>His friend said,"Dude,you can stop smiling now,the dogs are not here."  
>"Oh"Bandage Boy stopped smiling."I forgot."<p>

Both of them didn't notice Azuma Yunoki laugh uncontrollably.  
><em><br>Perhaps, interesting things don't really have to end, do they, Kahoko?_

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><p>r &amp; r!<p> 


End file.
